Norwegianne.net

Category: Personal random stuff

  • Reading challenge

    Activity-wise, my spare time go in waves. So far this year, it’s been mostly about the books. 

    I figure I have to get ahead in my challenge before my focus change. 

  • *cough* Still alive.

    I’ve got myself a Christmas cold. I would feel sorry for myself, but after nearly two years of feeling poorly without any results as to why (until it is suddenly depression/anxiety/panic attacks /burned out.) a cold is really manageable. I mean, drink plenty of fluids. Blow my nose. Try to avoid coughing/sneezing at people and spreading the joy just before Christmas.

    I see that my last post here was that I finished last year’s Nanowrimo. Well, I finished this year’s as well. Only, I spent it as a therapeutic experience – each day I wrote on various topics related to myself and my mental health. I *think* there was a marked improvement there. I still haven’t gone back to reread last year’s finished product, so I don’t know what will happen to this year’s.

    I had a tea advent calendar this year. Delicious. So much fun. There was only one tea so far that I haven’t liked. A Japanese one with popped rice. I had to add a lot of sugar to make it drinkable and it still tasted like someone had watered out the cereal puffed rice with fishy water.

    I got myself a new job. I am heading back to public library life. By the end of next year I will not be living the corporate life any longer. I have done it for so long now that it will be a decidedly odd feeling to have the activity level of public libraries back in my life. Or not have as many meetings. I am going to miss it and miss the colleagues, but when the advert for this job popped up, I debated back and forth, ended up applying and then I got it. (Which is also how I ended up in my current job.) And when I got the offer, I actually felt like it was “a good thing” considering that my company is heading for massive layoffs. Getting out while it is still voluntarily seems like a good option.

    I am most likely not making my Goodreads goal this year. I got back into reading fic in August, which threw the whole count off. 669 was a high amount of books to read anyway. I’m missing 65 books so far. And though I am a fast reader, it seems a tad unlikely.

    So, apart from the pesky burnout/depression/anxiety/panic attacks which *is* getting better, although not going away as quickly as I’d like, I’m doing well.

  • All the thoughts…

      that run, wander and meander through my mind when I lie in bed at night. 

    I take a deep breath once I switch the light off, and prepare to fall asleep. 

    But then the thoughts get free access to everything. No sensory overload to prevent it. 

    All the things I should have done. All the things I want to do. 

    Middle of the night thoughts when I am tired but cannot fall asleep.

  • Acceptance

    I am better. I am. I don’t get as fatigued as easily – it takes a lot more to push me to that point now than it did in February. Of course, I am also incredibly tired of the whole thing – and yet I know it is nothing compared to other people.

    But I am also better at handling it, I think. I still go out to events that I am invited to – but I may leave earlier when I reach my limit. Just getting out there feels like a huge triumph.

    I am also trying to factor in that if I attend big events (lots of people, lots of things happening.) I should not be making plans to do a lot of stuff the day afterwards. It is okay to lie in bed the whole day after I have been social and out and about. And anything beyond that – is a bonus.

    A month or two ago, I had a very full week. There was a birthday celebration, a national day celebration, an overnight trip with work, and Eurovision parties. By the time the Friday came around, I was knackered. And a trip to drive to Bergen to a friend’s Eurovision party was deemed too much.

    And on the Saturday, I was very low key, yet the Sunday saw me in bed. All day.

    I am trying to learn to listen to my body – but not listen too much. Accept that aches and pains are there, and then push it a bit to the side and deal with it later. But at the same time, I feel the need to push a bit.

    To do fun things.

    To see fun people.

    Of course, it also means that when I plan a holiday for later in August, I am trying to factor in *when* will the fatigue hit – when will the depression hit. And the solution is actually at the moment to plan that I will likely end up spending some time in bed during the day while on holiday – and then not fill up the days by set appointments. And book an apartment hotel, so I can buy food for the refrigerator and not *have* to venture out everytime I get hungry – but adapt to the situation.

    Accepting it.

  • Hydrangeas

    My grandmother did something incredibly smart. When she received hydrangeas as potted plants for indoors – she would eventually plant them outside. 

    It turns out that they thrive in her garden.

    And year after year, we are blessed with this sight:  
    They’re just starting to bloom. 

    And pretty soon – the whole flower bed will be filled with blues and pinks and purples.

    Like this: (from a previous year)


     And you end up with the feeling that Norwegian July – no matter how cold – is pretty okay after all.

  • The chairs

    My dining room chairs has got a bit wonky. (Borrowed from my grandmother, who stored them somewhere and had not used them in a while. As evidenced by the fourth chair with paint splatters.)

    So, this summer, I made renovating them a project. I used sandpaper to remove the old paint as much as possible. Then I painted a layer of paint – it was called Eggplant.

    After a couple of days, the eggplant colour did not catch my eyes. It was dull. And boring. And only had a purple tint when the sun was shining directly on it. (Which in Norway would probably only be in the summer…)

    So I went to another paint store and picked up a bucket of Electric Purple.

    And painted.

    The end result still make me happy almost six months later, so I call this a success.

    (Pictures behind the tag)

    (more…)

  • Up and down

    When someone I am not seeing regularly asks me how I have been recently, the answer is (depending on who it is) up and down. (And in general, though I am talking about my depression and my anxiety, I am also trying to be more aware of not talking to people about it as I don’t want to be seen to be whinging about it either.)

    I tend to have good periods, and I may also have not so good periods. The big point is the energy fluctuations. Some mornings it is a very long walk from my bed to the door. Other mornings, I pop out of bed, and am out the door before I can even think about it.

    The problem is also when the energy fluctuations hit at the same time as something else. If it hits at the same time as the nausea, dizziness or “heavy head” feelings, it gets very hard to get things done.

    On the other hand, when it lifts? It is so glorious and I just want to go out and do all the things!

    My work is fairly flexible and not dependent on being in the office all the time, so I can bring a computer home and do some work from home, when I feel I need it. I generally have facetime requirement, but we have the option of working from home if we need to. Since I don’t use it a lot, except for when I am really not well, my boss is very understanding of me using it in those times.

    I can also come in a bit later, or leave a bit early if I need to. I have an app on my phone for logging hours, so I get my normal hours in for the month either way, as I tend to work 15+ minutes overtime each day when I am well. (I get my stuff done, basically).

    I am having doctor’s appointments where we are working with cognitive therapy, or the beginning of it anyway, regularly. I also have started with physical therapy again for the stiff muscles in my back/neck – and though the first session was in a low energy phase, I ended up with so much energy for the rest of the weekend afterwards… I actually made appointments with friends without dreading that I would have the energy level to see the appointments through.

    I am working on trying to remember what I liked to do, and what I did not like to do before all this happened. I’m never going to be the big social butterfly who goes to all the musical concerts and heads out to dancing. I never did that before  all of this set in, so I don’t see the point of pushing to do that now. I did enjoy going to the cinema, alone. I have never much liked going to the cinema with someone else. (I don’t mind watching DVDs with others, but going to the cinema where you basically sit in the dark and have to be quiet?)

    What I am learning is that the symptoms tend to disappear after the initial phase of them being ghastly, and then force myself to do the things I dread anyway because I usually end up having fun.

    So… I’m up and down. Functioning, but could be functioning better and get out and do more.

  • Nanowrimo and slow-tv

    I’m trying to finish my National Novel Writing Month project today (currently at 47388 words).

    While I am writing, I am now listening in on the latest in Norwegian slow-television – the Norwegian church’s book of hymns and psalms, sung from cover to cover by Norwegian choirs minute by minute.

    I started with the backlog today online (and am therefore skipping the psalms that I am not too keen on). They started singing yesterday and are planning to send for 60 hours from that point, if I recall correctly.

    Minute by minute television has really caught on in Norway.

  • So yeah (venting about health issues, and sorry for being away.) – Copied from LJ

    I have really been neglecting LJ. Of course, you shouldn’t feel too bad, I have been neglecting almost any social media/where I have to do stuff for the past couple of years (Facebook updating is scarce as well.) . From time to time, I get energy and try to blog – which sometimes work and sometimes doesn’t. My Tumblr gets updated, but really, that’s mostly reblogging things.

    And then it turns out that the PCOS I had diagnosed a while ago is also responsible for the lack of energy, the dizziness, etc. that I have been plagued with for (at least) the last year and half, leading my doctor to give me a diagnosis of hormonal/pre-menstrual depression. (Ie. when I am at certain points in my cycle… I get depressed and since PCOS gives me a wacky cycle… those periods can last for a while and… lack of energy, lack of wanting to make an effort for social life… and so on. Let’s also throw in minor panic attacks and anxiety in those times, shall we?

    Now we know what we’re dealing with, it is also easier to deal with, (at times) and I’ll get myself some (hopefully) nifty medication to work with the hormones, and therapy to try to work out the rest of the issues.

    So, depression is probably the main reason for the lack of energy at times – tiredness despire. And anxiety/minor panic attacks are also in the picture.

    But I also kind of figure that I have always been the type of person whose interest in things go in cycles. That’s maybe also why I didn’t recognize this so soon, I was just clearly sometimes in periods where reading books in my bed is the best thing ever. And periods when cooking is fun. And periods when being social is fun. And… well, you get the gist.

    Even when I was in Oslo and teaching there, I had cycles of interests. Going out and meeting people, going to museums, traveling, as well as staying in and reading and playing games.

    I also had at least a couple of panic attacks/hits of the depression that I know of, (as well as some minor incidents) – both occured in times of stress. In one case, I had to talk to the person I was with at the time of the panic attack a couple of months later, and I could feel the symptoms come back just as I dialled her number. (She is perfectly lovely, and the symptoms receeded as soon as we actually started talking)

    Of course, it doesn’t help now that work is emotionally stressing (down-sizing everywhere, but us, it seems.).

    It helps to realize that a lot of the times the symptoms I have, receede after a while.

    Sometimes eating helps – I figure the bloodsugar or gastric issues or comfort or something.

    Sometimes it also helps to give myself an out before I start – and then I end up actually finishing it because I know I can leave if I don’t feel well. Especially if I am planning on being social, but also watching a movie.

    (Birthday party this weekend, I told the mother of the host about it all and said I might have to leave as I wasn’t feeling well. Eating a bit, and generally socializing and I stayed throughout the whole party.)

    (Swimming plans with the sister today. Felt shitty as the time came closer, but decided to drive her to the pool anyway. Once we were there, I told her to go in, and said I would walk around the pond. Two minutes later, I decided that “I’m at least going to swim back and forth in the pool once.” We swam for 20 minutes. Which isn’t a lot, but I haven’t worked out for ages, because I tend to overwork myself, which makes my body stressed, leading to another attack of fatigue… vicious cycle. I was shaking as I sat in the car outside the pool afterwards, and getting home felt really good. 10 minutes after getting home, a glass of lemonade, my muscles were tired, but no longer feeling like hell.)

    Very long story. And I’m sure to come back with more. Writing things down is also supposed to help.