When the PCOS-cycled depression hits when I’m already feeling low from a cold… Yes, Brain, I want to analyse every little detail from today. Especially the ones that make me doubt everything I did. Sure, that’s fun.
Ever notice that magically when you’re in that headspace, you forget everything you did that was actually good? And I did good stuff today, I did.
Le sigh. I’ll be just burrowing down with the latest biography on Prince Charles, and avoiding my own mind.
I am better. I am. I don’t get as fatigued as easily – it takes a lot more to push me to that point now than it did in February. Of course, I am also incredibly tired of the whole thing – and yet I know it is nothing compared to other people.
But I am also better at handling it, I think. I still go out to events that I am invited to – but I may leave earlier when I reach my limit. Just getting out there feels like a huge triumph.
I am also trying to factor in that if I attend big events (lots of people, lots of things happening.) I should not be making plans to do a lot of stuff the day afterwards. It is okay to lie in bed the whole day after I have been social and out and about. And anything beyond that – is a bonus.
A month or two ago, I had a very full week. There was a birthday celebration, a national day celebration, an overnight trip with work, and Eurovision parties. By the time the Friday came around, I was knackered. And a trip to drive to Bergen to a friend’s Eurovision party was deemed too much.
And on the Saturday, I was very low key, yet the Sunday saw me in bed. All day.
I am trying to learn to listen to my body – but not listen too much. Accept that aches and pains are there, and then push it a bit to the side and deal with it later. But at the same time, I feel the need to push a bit.
To do fun things.
To see fun people.
Of course, it also means that when I plan a holiday for later in August, I am trying to factor in *when* will the fatigue hit – when will the depression hit. And the solution is actually at the moment to plan that I will likely end up spending some time in bed during the day while on holiday – and then not fill up the days by set appointments. And book an apartment hotel, so I can buy food for the refrigerator and not *have* to venture out everytime I get hungry – but adapt to the situation.
Accepting it.
When someone I am not seeing regularly asks me how I have been recently, the answer is (depending on who it is) up and down. (And in general, though I am talking about my depression and my anxiety, I am also trying to be more aware of not talking to people about it as I don’t want to be seen to be whinging about it either.)
I tend to have good periods, and I may also have not so good periods. The big point is the energy fluctuations. Some mornings it is a very long walk from my bed to the door. Other mornings, I pop out of bed, and am out the door before I can even think about it.
The problem is also when the energy fluctuations hit at the same time as something else. If it hits at the same time as the nausea, dizziness or “heavy head” feelings, it gets very hard to get things done.
On the other hand, when it lifts? It is so glorious and I just want to go out and do all the things!
My work is fairly flexible and not dependent on being in the office all the time, so I can bring a computer home and do some work from home, when I feel I need it. I generally have facetime requirement, but we have the option of working from home if we need to. Since I don’t use it a lot, except for when I am really not well, my boss is very understanding of me using it in those times.
I can also come in a bit later, or leave a bit early if I need to. I have an app on my phone for logging hours, so I get my normal hours in for the month either way, as I tend to work 15+ minutes overtime each day when I am well. (I get my stuff done, basically).
I am having doctor’s appointments where we are working with cognitive therapy, or the beginning of it anyway, regularly. I also have started with physical therapy again for the stiff muscles in my back/neck – and though the first session was in a low energy phase, I ended up with so much energy for the rest of the weekend afterwards… I actually made appointments with friends without dreading that I would have the energy level to see the appointments through.
I am working on trying to remember what I liked to do, and what I did not like to do before all this happened. I’m never going to be the big social butterfly who goes to all the musical concerts and heads out to dancing. I never did that before all of this set in, so I don’t see the point of pushing to do that now. I did enjoy going to the cinema, alone. I have never much liked going to the cinema with someone else. (I don’t mind watching DVDs with others, but going to the cinema where you basically sit in the dark and have to be quiet?)
What I am learning is that the symptoms tend to disappear after the initial phase of them being ghastly, and then force myself to do the things I dread anyway because I usually end up having fun.
So… I’m up and down. Functioning, but could be functioning better and get out and do more.
I have really been neglecting LJ. Of course, you shouldn’t feel too bad, I have been neglecting almost any social media/where I have to do stuff for the past couple of years (Facebook updating is scarce as well.) . From time to time, I get energy and try to blog – which sometimes work and sometimes doesn’t. My Tumblr gets updated, but really, that’s mostly reblogging things.
And then it turns out that the PCOS I had diagnosed a while ago is also responsible for the lack of energy, the dizziness, etc. that I have been plagued with for (at least) the last year and half, leading my doctor to give me a diagnosis of hormonal/pre-menstrual depression. (Ie. when I am at certain points in my cycle… I get depressed and since PCOS gives me a wacky cycle… those periods can last for a while and… lack of energy, lack of wanting to make an effort for social life… and so on. Let’s also throw in minor panic attacks and anxiety in those times, shall we?
Now we know what we’re dealing with, it is also easier to deal with, (at times) and I’ll get myself some (hopefully) nifty medication to work with the hormones, and therapy to try to work out the rest of the issues.
So, depression is probably the main reason for the lack of energy at times – tiredness despire. And anxiety/minor panic attacks are also in the picture.
But I also kind of figure that I have always been the type of person whose interest in things go in cycles. That’s maybe also why I didn’t recognize this so soon, I was just clearly sometimes in periods where reading books in my bed is the best thing ever. And periods when cooking is fun. And periods when being social is fun. And… well, you get the gist.
Even when I was in Oslo and teaching there, I had cycles of interests. Going out and meeting people, going to museums, traveling, as well as staying in and reading and playing games.
I also had at least a couple of panic attacks/hits of the depression that I know of, (as well as some minor incidents) – both occured in times of stress. In one case, I had to talk to the person I was with at the time of the panic attack a couple of months later, and I could feel the symptoms come back just as I dialled her number. (She is perfectly lovely, and the symptoms receeded as soon as we actually started talking)
Of course, it doesn’t help now that work is emotionally stressing (down-sizing everywhere, but us, it seems.).
It helps to realize that a lot of the times the symptoms I have, receede after a while.
Sometimes eating helps – I figure the bloodsugar or gastric issues or comfort or something.
Sometimes it also helps to give myself an out before I start – and then I end up actually finishing it because I know I can leave if I don’t feel well. Especially if I am planning on being social, but also watching a movie.
(Birthday party this weekend, I told the mother of the host about it all and said I might have to leave as I wasn’t feeling well. Eating a bit, and generally socializing and I stayed throughout the whole party.)
(Swimming plans with the sister today. Felt shitty as the time came closer, but decided to drive her to the pool anyway. Once we were there, I told her to go in, and said I would walk around the pond. Two minutes later, I decided that “I’m at least going to swim back and forth in the pool once.” We swam for 20 minutes. Which isn’t a lot, but I haven’t worked out for ages, because I tend to overwork myself, which makes my body stressed, leading to another attack of fatigue… vicious cycle. I was shaking as I sat in the car outside the pool afterwards, and getting home felt really good. 10 minutes after getting home, a glass of lemonade, my muscles were tired, but no longer feeling like hell.)
Very long story. And I’m sure to come back with more. Writing things down is also supposed to help.