The dentist tomorrow

I’ve never really had a fear of dentists. As a kid I used to love going to them – and even having a cavity filled in 9th grade wasn’t much of a deterrent. And yet I’m slightly anxious every time I go to the dentist now – after my burnout/anxiety/depression hit fully.

Not because it is the dentist, but because I never know when panic attack symptoms will hit (it typically does when I’m in situations where I feel stuck, so dentist, taking blood tests, getting my eyesight checked, massage therapist, gynaecologist…)

Granted, I’m much better these days. But my mind is also bringing back that time in Denmark, when I had my wisdom tooth out, and the adrenaline rush from the pain reliever was enough to give me a similar feeling, so I’m not looking forward to this… really.

(Doesn’t help that the other wisdom tooth is just lying in wait…)

Oh, joy…(!)

When the PCOS-cycled depression hits when I’m already feeling low from a cold… Yes, Brain, I want to analyse every little detail from today. Especially the ones that make me doubt everything I did. Sure, that’s fun.

Ever notice that magically when you’re in that headspace, you forget everything you did that was actually good? And I did good stuff today, I did.

Le sigh. I’ll be just burrowing down with the latest biography on Prince Charles, and avoiding my own mind.

Someone to laugh and be comfortable with

Sometimes I want a partner. Someone to lean into and hug. Trade quips with. Sit on the couch with and watch tv-shows, snarking together. And basically be an old married couple.

And then comes the time when I don’t really have the energy to find said partner. And figure I’m doing alright enough as single.

But basically what I want is some magical formula that lets me be in a long comfortable relationship, without having to go through the stress of dating a ton of guys first.

Quotation Monday: Bank of bad days

WHEN YOU ARE very depressed or anxious – unable to leave the house, or the sofa, or to think of anything but the depression – it can be unbearably hard. Bad days come in degrees. They are not all equally bad. And the really bad ones, though horrible to live through, are useful for later. You store them up. A bank of bad days. The day you had to run out of the supermarket. The day you were so depressed your tongue wouldn’t move. The day you made your parents cry. The day you nearly threw yourself off a cliff. So you are having another bad day you can say, Well, this feels bad, but there have been worse. And even when you can think of no worse day – when you are living in the very worst there has ever been – you at least know the bank exists and that you have made a deposit.

-Matt Haig –

Information overload, or deficiency

Every now and again, I go through phases where I’m bored with what I have in my Tumblr or my Feedly – in terms of reading. I then proceed to add stuff.

And then there are times like now, where I am busy at work (seriously, added two hours to my flex. time account today.) and am running about like crazy. When I come home now, I want to check those sites. But I don’t want to wade through a lot of posts that I don’t need.

So I delete feeds and unfollow tumblrs.

Algorithms vs. chronological

When I first started reading social media (be it LiveJournal, Facebook, GoogleReader (RIP) or Twitter), things were easy. It was chronological. 

That meant that whenever I reached a post I remembered reading before, I was done. 

Now, a lot of the sites have gone the direction of using algorithms that show you what you see, and in which order you see it. 

And it’s annoying. Two hour old tweets disappear behind tweets that are days old. And the same with Facebook posts. (And don’t get me started on how ALL I suddenly see on Facebook are things my friends liked… or comments they have made on other people’s posts.)

/grumpy old lady.