A while ago, I made a Facebook event for a housewarming party. I lacked the energy to actually invite anyone.

Now the date of the event is approaching. Instead, I am having people individually over. That’s about the level of energy right now.

It would be even easier to not have anyone over, but that is just not happening either. I may enjoy my own company, but I also like my friends. 

*cough* Still alive.

I’ve got myself a Christmas cold. I would feel sorry for myself, but after nearly two years of feeling poorly without any results as to why (until it is suddenly depression/anxiety/panic attacks /burned out.) a cold is really manageable. I mean, drink plenty of fluids. Blow my nose. Try to avoid coughing/sneezing at people and spreading the joy just before Christmas.

I see that my last post here was that I finished last year’s Nanowrimo. Well, I finished this year’s as well. Only, I spent it as a therapeutic experience – each day I wrote on various topics related to myself and my mental health. I *think* there was a marked improvement there. I still haven’t gone back to reread last year’s finished product, so I don’t know what will happen to this year’s.

I had a tea advent calendar this year. Delicious. So much fun. There was only one tea so far that I haven’t liked. A Japanese one with popped rice. I had to add a lot of sugar to make it drinkable and it still tasted like someone had watered out the cereal puffed rice with fishy water.

I got myself a new job. I am heading back to public library life. By the end of next year I will not be living the corporate life any longer. I have done it for so long now that it will be a decidedly odd feeling to have the activity level of public libraries back in my life. Or not have as many meetings. I am going to miss it and miss the colleagues, but when the advert for this job popped up, I debated back and forth, ended up applying and then I got it. (Which is also how I ended up in my current job.) And when I got the offer, I actually felt like it was “a good thing” considering that my company is heading for massive layoffs. Getting out while it is still voluntarily seems like a good option.

I am most likely not making my Goodreads goal this year. I got back into reading fic in August, which threw the whole count off. 669 was a high amount of books to read anyway. I’m missing 65 books so far. And though I am a fast reader, it seems a tad unlikely.

So, apart from the pesky burnout/depression/anxiety/panic attacks which *is* getting better, although not going away as quickly as I’d like, I’m doing well.

Goals for April, and burnout update

I figured it might be time to give a little update on the whole burnout situation. Since my March goal was all about getting  better, it also seemed fitting to combine it with April goals.

Because I am better. Slowly getting there. It has taken a while. But this week was actually the first where I have had a couple of days when I felt like I had a surplus of energy and was “clear” in the head. And it was so amazing that even the down-time the next day, did not feel like such a downer. Because I had a good day the day before.

I am slowly taking the initiative to extend what I do and gain a sense of accomplishment from that. When I go to visit my grandmother in the nursing home, I take a walk around the nursing home (or further if the energy allows.) When I visited a local museum (because I had free tickets.) I actually stopped the car on the way home to walk three times around a small pond.

We have also done some cleaning out and organising  of some storage space in the basement, and just the concept of being on my feet for four hours and doing things would have been too much for me a month ago. I am rather feeling that it is telling of where I am at the moment.

Today I started work again. Not full time. But the time I was there was good. I even had more energy to spare once I was done. And then I biked 20 minute outside in the sunshine in the afternoon. And now I am exhausted. I know why I am exhausted, so it is a good exhaustion. I have done things.

The goals for April is:

  • Continue what I am doing, as I feel like it is working.
  • Do some gardening outside.
  • Meet friends for coffee.

In-between ill

Of course, it became evident when the fever left me that I am really terrible at being “in-between” ill. When I had fever and was coughing, I was quite good at that. Making sure I had enough to drink. Kept warm or cold depending on what my body wanted. And took a couple of Panodil to get the fever to behave once it reached 39 degrees.

When the fever went away, I still felt terrible, because then the mucus started its invasion. I felt lethargic after the fever.

But also because the hormones that the fever had repressed suddenly came back to life and with the hormones come my anxiety and my depression.

Which result in fun (?) times either way.

After almost a week at home, I had my first day back at work today. With the lack of energy, and lack of appetite, it was a shortened day at work – but as I kept working from home, it still ended up being a long work day. Fortunate that I have enough projects that can be done from home.

The flu

When I visited my grandmother in the nursing home on Saturday, she and the other inmates were a coughing choir.

On Monday, two days later, the cold I had been waiting for, for weeks, broke. Only, I suspect the flu instead, as there is fever, aches in the muscles, lack of appetite, mucus and a lot of coughing.

Fun times. I am sleeping moderately well at night, though, thanks to Panodil. I am not a person who naps during the day, so getting in 6+ hours of sleep at night is crucial.

I am trying to only use the Panodil for the things it will help the most with – the fever and muscle aches when I am trying to sleep. I sort of figure that my body needs the rest to heal itself.

Yesterday, I juiced a bunch of clementines and ginger, with some carrots and an apple to get some vitamins and fluid in.

Anyone have any good tips for the flu?


Up and down

When someone I am not seeing regularly asks me how I have been recently, the answer is (depending on who it is) up and down. (And in general, though I am talking about my depression and my anxiety, I am also trying to be more aware of not talking to people about it as I don’t want to be seen to be whinging about it either.)

I tend to have good periods, and I may also have not so good periods. The big point is the energy fluctuations. Some mornings it is a very long walk from my bed to the door. Other mornings, I pop out of bed, and am out the door before I can even think about it.

The problem is also when the energy fluctuations hit at the same time as something else. If it hits at the same time as the nausea, dizziness or “heavy head” feelings, it gets very hard to get things done.

On the other hand, when it lifts? It is so glorious and I just want to go out and do all the things!

My work is fairly flexible and not dependent on being in the office all the time, so I can bring a computer home and do some work from home, when I feel I need it. I generally have facetime requirement, but we have the option of working from home if we need to. Since I don’t use it a lot, except for when I am really not well, my boss is very understanding of me using it in those times.

I can also come in a bit later, or leave a bit early if I need to. I have an app on my phone for logging hours, so I get my normal hours in for the month either way, as I tend to work 15+ minutes overtime each day when I am well. (I get my stuff done, basically).

I am having doctor’s appointments where we are working with cognitive therapy, or the beginning of it anyway, regularly. I also have started with physical therapy again for the stiff muscles in my back/neck – and though the first session was in a low energy phase, I ended up with so much energy for the rest of the weekend afterwards… I actually made appointments with friends without dreading that I would have the energy level to see the appointments through.

I am working on trying to remember what I liked to do, and what I did not like to do before all this happened. I’m never going to be the big social butterfly who goes to all the musical concerts and heads out to dancing. I never did that before  all of this set in, so I don’t see the point of pushing to do that now. I did enjoy going to the cinema, alone. I have never much liked going to the cinema with someone else. (I don’t mind watching DVDs with others, but going to the cinema where you basically sit in the dark and have to be quiet?)

What I am learning is that the symptoms tend to disappear after the initial phase of them being ghastly, and then force myself to do the things I dread anyway because I usually end up having fun.

So… I’m up and down. Functioning, but could be functioning better and get out and do more.