The dentist tomorrow

I’ve never really had a fear of dentists. As a kid I used to love going to them – and even having a cavity filled in 9th grade wasn’t much of a deterrent. And yet I’m slightly anxious every time I go to the dentist now – after my burnout/anxiety/depression hit fully.

Not because it is the dentist, but because I never know when panic attack symptoms will hit (it typically does when I’m in situations where I feel stuck, so dentist, taking blood tests, getting my eyesight checked, massage therapist, gynaecologist…)

Granted, I’m much better these days. But my mind is also bringing back that time in Denmark, when I had my wisdom tooth out, and the adrenaline rush from the pain reliever was enough to give me a similar feeling, so I’m not looking forward to this… really.

(Doesn’t help that the other wisdom tooth is just lying in wait…)

Oh, joy…(!)

When the PCOS-cycled depression hits when I’m already feeling low from a cold… Yes, Brain, I want to analyse every little detail from today. Especially the ones that make me doubt everything I did. Sure, that’s fun.

Ever notice that magically when you’re in that headspace, you forget everything you did that was actually good? And I did good stuff today, I did.

Le sigh. I’ll be just burrowing down with the latest biography on Prince Charles, and avoiding my own mind.

Someone to laugh and be comfortable with

Sometimes I want a partner. Someone to lean into and hug. Trade quips with. Sit on the couch with and watch tv-shows, snarking together. And basically be an old married couple.

And then comes the time when I don’t really have the energy to find said partner. And figure I’m doing alright enough as single.

But basically what I want is some magical formula that lets me be in a long comfortable relationship, without having to go through the stress of dating a ton of guys first.

Information overload, or deficiency

Every now and again, I go through phases where I’m bored with what I have in my Tumblr or my Feedly – in terms of reading. I then proceed to add stuff.

And then there are times like now, where I am busy at work (seriously, added two hours to my flex. time account today.) and am running about like crazy. When I come home now, I want to check those sites. But I don’t want to wade through a lot of posts that I don’t need.

So I delete feeds and unfollow tumblrs.

All the thoughts…

  that run, wander and meander through my mind when I lie in bed at night. 

I take a deep breath once I switch the light off, and prepare to fall asleep. 

But then the thoughts get free access to everything. No sensory overload to prevent it. 

All the things I should have done. All the things I want to do. 

Middle of the night thoughts when I am tired but cannot fall asleep.

Acceptance

I am better. I am. I don’t get as fatigued as easily – it takes a lot more to push me to that point now than it did in February. Of course, I am also incredibly tired of the whole thing – and yet I know it is nothing compared to other people.

But I am also better at handling it, I think. I still go out to events that I am invited to – but I may leave earlier when I reach my limit. Just getting out there feels like a huge triumph.

I am also trying to factor in that if I attend big events (lots of people, lots of things happening.) I should not be making plans to do a lot of stuff the day afterwards. It is okay to lie in bed the whole day after I have been social and out and about. And anything beyond that – is a bonus.

A month or two ago, I had a very full week. There was a birthday celebration, a national day celebration, an overnight trip with work, and Eurovision parties. By the time the Friday came around, I was knackered. And a trip to drive to Bergen to a friend’s Eurovision party was deemed too much.

And on the Saturday, I was very low key, yet the Sunday saw me in bed. All day.

I am trying to learn to listen to my body – but not listen too much. Accept that aches and pains are there, and then push it a bit to the side and deal with it later. But at the same time, I feel the need to push a bit.

To do fun things.

To see fun people.

Of course, it also means that when I plan a holiday for later in August, I am trying to factor in *when* will the fatigue hit – when will the depression hit. And the solution is actually at the moment to plan that I will likely end up spending some time in bed during the day while on holiday – and then not fill up the days by set appointments. And book an apartment hotel, so I can buy food for the refrigerator and not *have* to venture out everytime I get hungry – but adapt to the situation.

Accepting it.

Hydrangeas

My grandmother did something incredibly smart. When she received hydrangeas as potted plants for indoors – she would eventually plant them outside. 

It turns out that they thrive in her garden.

And year after year, we are blessed with this sight:  
They’re just starting to bloom. 

And pretty soon – the whole flower bed will be filled with blues and pinks and purples.

Like this: (from a previous year)


 And you end up with the feeling that Norwegian July – no matter how cold – is pretty okay after all.

The chairs

My dining room chairs has got a bit wonky. (Borrowed from my grandmother, who stored them somewhere and had not used them in a while. As evidenced by the fourth chair with paint splatters.)

So, this summer, I made renovating them a project. I used sandpaper to remove the old paint as much as possible. Then I painted a layer of paint – it was called Eggplant.

After a couple of days, the eggplant colour did not catch my eyes. It was dull. And boring. And only had a purple tint when the sun was shining directly on it. (Which in Norway would probably only be in the summer…)

So I went to another paint store and picked up a bucket of Electric Purple.

And painted.

The end result still make me happy almost six months later, so I call this a success.

(Pictures behind the tag)

Continue reading “The chairs”

Nanowrimo and slow-tv

I’m trying to finish my National Novel Writing Month project today (currently at 47388 words).

While I am writing, I am now listening in on the latest in Norwegian slow-television – the Norwegian church’s book of hymns and psalms, sung from cover to cover by Norwegian choirs minute by minute.

I started with the backlog today online (and am therefore skipping the psalms that I am not too keen on). They started singing yesterday and are planning to send for 60 hours from that point, if I recall correctly.

Minute by minute television has really caught on in Norway.