Up and down

When someone I am not seeing regularly asks me how I have been recently, the answer is (depending on who it is) up and down. (And in general, though I am talking about my depression and my anxiety, I am also trying to be more aware of not talking to people about it as I don’t want to be seen to be whinging about it either.)

I tend to have good periods, and I may also have not so good periods. The big point is the energy fluctuations. Some mornings it is a very long walk from my bed to the door. Other mornings, I pop out of bed, and am out the door before I can even think about it.

The problem is also when the energy fluctuations hit at the same time as something else. If it hits at the same time as the nausea, dizziness or “heavy head” feelings, it gets very hard to get things done.

On the other hand, when it lifts? It is so glorious and I just want to go out and do all the things!

My work is fairly flexible and not dependent on being in the office all the time, so I can bring a computer home and do some work from home, when I feel I need it. I generally have facetime requirement, but we have the option of working from home if we need to. Since I don’t use it a lot, except for when I am really not well, my boss is very understanding of me using it in those times.

I can also come in a bit later, or leave a bit early if I need to. I have an app on my phone for logging hours, so I get my normal hours in for the month either way, as I tend to work 15+ minutes overtime each day when I am well. (I get my stuff done, basically).

I am having doctor’s appointments where we are working with cognitive therapy, or the beginning of it anyway, regularly. I also have started with physical therapy again for the stiff muscles in my back/neck – and though the first session was in a low energy phase, I ended up with so much energy for the rest of the weekend afterwards… I actually made appointments with friends without dreading that I would have the energy level to see the appointments through.

I am working on trying to remember what I liked to do, and what I did not like to do before all this happened. I’m never going to be the big social butterfly who goes to all the musical concerts and heads out to dancing. I never did that before  all of this set in, so I don’t see the point of pushing to do that now. I did enjoy going to the cinema, alone. I have never much liked going to the cinema with someone else. (I don’t mind watching DVDs with others, but going to the cinema where you basically sit in the dark and have to be quiet?)

What I am learning is that the symptoms tend to disappear after the initial phase of them being ghastly, and then force myself to do the things I dread anyway because I usually end up having fun.

So… I’m up and down. Functioning, but could be functioning better and get out and do more.

Author: Anne

Anne is a librarian by day. By night, she reads. She knits. She watches movies and television shows. She enjoys board games. And posting on royal related forums.

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